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Monday, June 22nd, 2015
11:53 pm - Breaking Through The Plateau
We had a good TOPS meeting tonight, short but productive. I weighed in another three pounds down at 296.8 lbs after drinking a ton of water today. I think I've broken May's plateau, and I'm finally moving on. I'm closing in on a major milestone. I haven't weighed under 291 lbs since I got pregnant with my youngest DD who is now 14. Coincidentally 290.4 lbs is also the point when I can say I've lost 20% of my starting body weight. I'm really excited to see 290 lbs.

I stepped up my exercise this week with more cardio in general. I also ate more, especially lean protein. I bought some benefiber to add to my protein supplement shakes because even though I'm eating all the fruits and vegetables I'm supposed to, I can never seem to get in all my fiber and it shows.

I'm a bit sore from the full strength training regimen yesterday, but felt up to a nice ride. I rewarded myself for good behavior with time in the sauna. I used the heat to help me stretch out well. I let the whirlpool massage my knee and hip before I laid in the sun for a bit to soak in some warmth and vitamin D.

This week I mean to make sure I get in my full strength training regimen twice. I did it all yesterday: upper body, core, and legs. My DD works again Thursday and I intend to do the same thing again. I think I'll actually do them one at a time and rest between sets since I'll have the time. Circuit training is brutal. Otherwise I'll keep doing what works.

current mood: accomplished

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Saturday, June 6th, 2015
11:33 pm - Lesson Relearned
We had a wonderful trip yesterday with the kids. I filled up on a turkey wrap and skipped ice cream because they didn't have a flavor of frozen yogurt that appealed to me. Later my DH and I went to look at furniture for the new house. We then went to B Spot. I knew he would love it. I got a burger without bun and split fries with him. I did get a beer and I wish I hadn't. I tried a familiar style, but I didn't really like it that much. I shouldn't have finished it.

I've got really good at not finishing food that I don't care for or stopping when I'm full. Looking back at last night I should have easily just left the beer alone, and yet that old familiar guilt that my mom beat into me at a n early age reared it's ugly head. I won't make the same mistake again. It's never not OK to leave something unfinished. I payed for it whether I drank it or not. Next time I try something new that turns out not to be as good as advertised, I'll leave it be and not waste precious calories and abuse my taste buds with something unpleasant.

current mood: happy

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Thursday, June 4th, 2015
11:28 pm - Roadtrip Immenent, Drink Up
It's funny, but I look forward to school getting out almost as much as my kids. We'll be taking a trip to the Old Mill in Utica for Velvet Ice Cream to celebrate. I'll get frozen yogurt and pick up all kinds of wonderful healthy food afterwards at our favorite little Amish grocers and Legend Hills Orchard.

I've discovered that my Total Soy Meal replacement shakes do help me a lot. I'm sleeping much better now and less hungry and cranky. My favorite thing to do for one of my 5-6 smaller meals is to use iced coffee and cubes with the vanilla to make a shake that tastes like a vanilla Frappe. Krogers is carrying a new product which is dehydrated coconut water you add to 16 oz of water which I love to throw in to my water bottle or the Frappe above. It's 10 calories well spent. True Lemon has crystallized lemon and lime sticks with stevia. I'm really enjoying drinking my water.

current mood: relieved

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Wednesday, June 3rd, 2015
11:24 pm - And She Scores!
I'm so very excited that I actually made my goal of weighing in under 300 lbs at my 6 month check up at the doctor's office. I was so discouraged last year weighing in at my highest ever, 363.0 lbs, on my 45th birthday. It took me until January 7th to bite the bullet and start doing something about it. I was ready to give up and sign up for bariatric surgery. Then I discovered that with my new more generous prescription for pain medication. I could actually exercise long enough to really feel the benefits of exercise that everyone talks about.

Five months later, six from my disastrous birthday, I weighed in this morning at 299.4 lbs. down without surgery. I'm one pound from being one third of the way to my goal weight of 170 lbs. That's thanks to logging all my nutrition and applying Thomas Edison's advice to getting fit and healthy: "Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration." - Thomas A. Edison.

I only need my cane to get up and down my stairs first thing in the morning and the last trip of the evening when my pain meds aren't working yet. I need the Tramadol less now. Just when I'm working out, right before bed so I can sleep, or if we spend the day out where I will be doing a lot of walking. I have more energy and can stay on my feet much longer. I've dropped several sizes and many inches. I love that I'm now using my starting workout clothes as baggy PJs for summer.

I competed in the Spring Challenge on the Neon Ninjas Team and I'm very proud of my accomplishments. This summer, we're buying a home and will be moving in August so I didn't feel I could contribute reliably to a team effort. I plan to be back on my team this fall, but in the meantime I joined Ninja Summer Camp to stay motivated.

My motivation is very goal oriented so I'm going to try my best to record my weight, cardio minutes and strength training minutes each week on the Ninja Summer Camp Message board thread I started. I'm only competing against myself by setting a weight goal, two pounds a week which is a reasonable amount for someone as heavy as I am. That's 26 lbs in 13 weeks I want to burn off. My TOPS weigh in days are Monday nights which is harsh, but good in a way. I'm more aware that splurging on weekends will effect my meeting.

current mood: excited

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Thursday, May 28th, 2015
10:07 am - Regaining Motivation and NSV
These last few weeks have been really challenging for me. I've got many more steps in, but I've had less energy for structured exercise. I need to get back into the habit of getting to the YMCA although I have gone to the apartment office gym. This week I tried to start back into longer sessions of cardio on the bike. Unfortunately I've switch to the upright cycles and don't have gel shorts or a seat cover. I had to wait several days afterwards to heal. Over all I've had a reemergence of insomnia, have less energy, and I'm having a harder time with food.

Yesterday I went to Sams with my mom and got my Naturade Total Soy Meal Replacement. It works better for me than the whey products or the Orgain meal replacement I've tried substituting it with. Maybe I need the nutritional supplements in it or it could be the soy itself since it simulates estrogen. Looking back I can see that I started to have trouble sleeping after I ran out, but I haven't read any studies linking soy and better sleep. Come to think of it, insomnia can be part of perimenopause and estrogen can help with that. Maybe there is something to it after all.

In any case, I hope I can get back on track now and start to feel better. I had tried to find an alternative because we prefer Costco's business practices and products in general to Sams and Walmart. Unfortunately I can only affordably get Total Soy at Sams, $20 for 47 servings. Mom took me there to get it and then I took her to get a cart load of stuff at Costco. I hope she keeps her Sams membership so I can continue my Costco.

As for Non Scale Victories, last time I went to strength train at the Powell YMCA I tried the triceps press again. I usually do the triceps curl machine at Gahanna YMCA, but couldn't use the machine at Powell because I couldn't push the handles down past my hips. Well I have comfortable clearance now. That really felt good. I ran into a woman at Aldi a couple weeks ago and she recognized me from the Powell YMCA. She said she saw me working hard on a machine (she didn't know what it was but I believe it was the seated elliptical) and was surprised at how long I'd been on it. Then she tried it and said couldn't do it. She's seen me several times and was really impressed. That was a nice surprise and really made me feel good. Several people have mentioned I'm looking better over all now and my favorite shorts and jeans are hanging down on my hips. I need to wear long shirts to make sure my underwear isn't exposed.

I also need to get a new bathing suit now that pools are open. I really don't need that falling off. I don't want to pay $60 for a new one I'll just have to replace in a couple months either so I'm off to check out Clothes Mentor, which is like Once Upon a Child or Plato's Closet for women. Maybe I can also find a pair of shorts I don't have to pull up.

current mood: grateful

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10:05 am - Happiness is Learning to Love Yourself
I haven't been on here for a while as I've actually been doing blogging on SparkPeople. Things have changed since my last entry here. I'm much more calm, together and happy. I've set borders and boundaries with the people who have made my life more challenging, and then reinforced them when they objected. Ultimately, I'm happier being on my own priority list and putting myself, my husband and my kids up top and letting everyone else take care of themselves unless I've the time, energy, and inclination to help. My wonderful counselor and now dear friend has helped me to get to this point in my life. I'm finally learning to love myself as I am in this moment.

As I mentioned before, I am active on SparkPeople again. I started in January and have through a newly found love of exercise lost 60 pounds. I'm able to do most things without the cane I've been dependent on for the last two and a half years. I still need it morning and night for stairs, but can now leave it at home. I use it for ice, and hiking only. I have a long way to go, but I'm learning to appreciate what I've accomplished and love myself along the way.

I'll be posting my blogs from SP here as well now. I'm tired of only coming here to vent.

current mood: calm

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Sunday, May 11th, 2014
1:00 pm - Sometimes Mothers' Day is Better Without the Children
I've dropped my middle daughter off at work and have escaped to Panera for some peace.

I woke up happy after a good night. My husband and I hashed things out two nights ago, and we had a really nice evening both during and after our freinds' wedding. He made me feel beautiful and loved. This morning we still had a nice easy detente. My oldest daughter who after causing us so much grief, called me to wish me Happy Mothers Day. Then I walked downstairs.

45 minutes later he's asking why I'm so angry. Filthy kitchen, chores not done, children fighting, children being out right disrespectful and even snotty towards me... He was yelling at them for all of it too and has the nerve to ask me why I'm angry. I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. I broke land speed records dropping off my daughter, making the 30 minute trip in 20, as we sat in stony silence.

I really don't want to pick her up and go back. There was no Happy Mothers Day from them. I wouldn't be so angry except that this is almost a precise repeat of my birthday. I'm tired of my kids taking me for granted. I'd love to just leave for a couple weeks. I'm officially done with holidays that have anything to do with me. They are just too disappointing.

current mood: aggravated

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Wednesday, November 13th, 2013
7:24 pm - I only come here to vent...
Our oldest daughter has once again decided that we are unfair and abusive and has walked out the door. She's already called Grandma who called me back to tell me that she's heading to church and will not be picking Tori up. It of course all started with me being furious that someone ate half the ingredients I was relying on having for dinner and Shawn and I being angry that the chores were once again not complete. Her need to be the center of attention under every circumstance drove her to escalate everything into a huge blow up. So now she's left the house and is out walking around in temperatures slightly above freezing.

In a way I'm actually relieved. Her cycle of destructive behavior reset in May when she was hospitalized for her last blow up. It usually takes 3-6 months before she works herself back up into another explosion so she was actually due. I can stop waiting for it now.

I love my daughter, but her constant drama and sheer stupidity is draining. She turns 18 next month, but doesn't graduate until spring. She already has her tattoo parlor and piercings picked out and is looking forward to smoking all the cigarettes and pot she can get away with without us punishing her for it. She's planning to move in with her boyfriend who is currently living in our basement instead of his truck. Until she is 18 and out from under our roof, it's our job to protect her from herself.

We've tried so hard to do the right thing, no matter how inconvenient, costly, or painful and we get bit in the ass for it every time. She needs to stay here and in school long enough to graduate. I wish she would just leave as soon as she is of age. My counselor says I shouldn't feel guilty for just wanting it to be over with; for wishing she would just keep walking. I try to tell myself it doesn't make me a rotten person and a terrible mother to feel these things. Deep down I don't believe it.

This is life with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. She's a text book, high functioning case. Between her and my father, I've lived most of my life at the mercy of this disorder. I struggle to stay sane, to not succumb to the depression and anxiety that comes from living day in and day out with people who hurt the ones they love. I'm only human. I can only be pushed so far before I break. Unconditional love between a parent and a child isn't something I can give to either of them. Trust has been violated too many times. The only thing I can believe in is that they will hurt me if I show any weakness at all. They were born vipers, it's in their nature.

She just texted to assure me she's OK and has made it down the road safely. My mind automatically, helpfully reminds me it's because she can't risk not being the center of attention. Maybe she wonders whether she's pushed us too far this time. Maybe she has

current mood: discouraged

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Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
9:41 am - Helping Myself
I can't diagnose myself, but it's come to my attention that I has been exhibiting symptoms of Binge Eating Disorder for years now. I'm pretty much the text book definition. You would think that OSU might have some kind of program to treat eating disorders, but the nearest one is seems to be in Pittsburgh.

Since I'm not completely brain dead yet despite years of exposure to Nickelodeon and Disney, I've been doing some deep soul searching and lots of reading in lieu of a good therapist which seems to be unavailable right now. I'm really grateful for one book in particular, "Lying in Weight- The Hidden Epidemic of Eating Disorders in Adult Women" by Trisha Gura.

The author breaks down the reasons why women are vulnerable to eating disorders at different periods in life. I'm discovering that along the way I have completely missed the psychological hurdle of adolescence. Growing up in a codependent, emotionally abusive household I didn't develop the self esteem or the coping mechanisms to deal with stress and anger. In a home where life revolved around where, when, and what we were going to eat next and used food as a reward and love, I learned by example to turn to food to deal with these emotions. For me food = crack.

I find myself trying to raise teens now without the resources to show them by example how to deal issues I never mastered. I guess in a very real way I'm like many of my characters; intelligent but not wise. I have tried my best to emphasize that food isn't a reward. I'm not sure how well I've dealt with the food = love factor because I still tend to express myself that way despite my best efforts. Hopefully it is only one of many ways my kids experience my love for them. I can only hope I haven't perpetuated this gross cycle further.

I know now that I will be morbidly obese until I can learn new ways to filter emotion and deal with situational eating, my two biggest triggers. I can't avoid getting together with people because of my social anxiety and inability to control myself around food forever. It leaves me feeling bitter and isolated. I am going to TOPS again which is a good step forward. I'm finishing off the last 7 sessions of my Living Well classes as well. Last night at class I managed to get a hold of a number for the Behaviorists that work with the program.

I also want to join the Tsaoist Tai Chi Society when school starts and start taking classes at the Westerville dojo. Fortunately, I've learned there is another in Shawnee Hills near where we are looking at apartments when our lease is up in April. One of my TOPS friends actually teaches classes there. I haven't given up on meditation. My mantra is "Eat to Live, don't Live to Eat".

current mood: contemplative

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Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
11:20 am - SSDD
I'm up and awake. DD3 was in first thing to ask what is for breakfast, as if food isn't my first coherent after the I free myself from the night's dreaming. My body isn't far behind demanding it's share. I hope I can appease it and the kids without going overboard. I want cereal to be enough. I can't get in too much trouble with cereals. I tend to actually be content with the bottom of the bowl.

I spend so much of my day thinking about food. I fret about the stores of groceries going through our inventory mentally. I know I need to bake bread, snacks, and yogurt; but dread it all the same. If I don't make it I can't eat it. I haven't journaled my food yet. Journaling is a fantastic diet tool that just drives me insane. I already think of food as often as a teenage boy thinks of sex. Obsessing over every last bite, spending hours a day looking up the right foods, and meticulously recording the proper amounts does not exactly help.

The body wants what it wants and I am powerless to stop it. Long after that 20 minutes in which you should feel satiety has past it still hungers. Sometimes I seems to have no control over it at all. I am powerless to stop eating. Much to my secret shame I'm compelled to eat often. When anger, stress, loneliness, and shame threaten to consume me food/bingeing is soothing, numbing... anesthetizing.

I guess I'm not prone to purging because I'm so empty inside. My mistake. The extra weight and inability to resist bingeing leaves me feeling utterly worthless and defeated. A failure. Some say purging becomes the channel for anger. Perhaps this is what I'm missing? I know why I'm angry I know what seeds have born this terrible fruit inside my soul, but that is another entry. I'm off to start on my pot of coffee and finish my fanfic to get my mind off that blasted four letter word F**d.

current mood: purging

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Monday, August 16th, 2010
10:56 pm - My Body is My Enemy
My body and I are not on speaking terms. I suffer from poor self image and a hatred of being trapped in this shell. I know I should feel ownership of the flesh that houses me, that sheltered and bore my children, and that nourished them yet this meat I'm chained to sickens me. It's an effort to haul it around all day. I tire walking up hill or just up stairs. I hate the rolls of fat that wobble and jiggle beneath skin stretched and scarred. The touch and texture disgusts me. The lumpy cottage cheesy feel of it, the smell of it nauseate me. I don't want it to touch me. Honestly, I often cringe to think of anyone else touching me. Surely they should be as horrified and disgusted as I.

It doesn't matter who I am or what I have or can accomplish in this life. People don't see me behind this corpulent mass of rolls and flaps. They see fat, they see lazy, they see stupid. Yet how can I ask people to see me, appreciate me... to love me for who I am if I can't love myself?

My flesh is punishment for failure to control my coping mechanism. Even in eating disorders I fail. If I'm driven to binge to assuage my anger, relive stress, handle guilt and find comfort; the least I could do is be strong enough to purge afterwards. Dumbass! I lack the will to do even that.

I've failed over and over starving and binging and dieting and starving again only to gain weight back since I first went to Weight Watchers with my Mom as an elementary school girl. I've lost track of how many people I've already lost and I will have to do so again (an obese person even) to be at a "normal" aka socially acceptable weight. No wonder I have no metabolism. No wonder I never feel satisfied.

Binging is apparently a lesser eating disorder. If I fit the profile of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa I could get help, although there are no treatment centers for eating disorders in OH. Bingeing, being super obese is my own damn fault. I deserve what I've got. That's the message on the street. The worst part is I totally and completely believe it.

I have tried so hard and yet I can't Eat to to live, not live to eat. I know food is a false friend. It's there when I swear I could run naked screaming through the streets and no one would notice or care. It whispers that it will never criticize, hurt or leave me when all the world seems to be against me. It promises to fill the endless gaping hole inside me where only anger and self loathing survive. That of all is why I binge, to fill that maw of failure and inadequacy with something.

It lies. It is my destroyer, and yet I am utterly defeated by it every time. I don't know any other way to be. I know what to do to help myself, but I fail in the execution. I could stop drinking, smoking, drugs, or gambling but I can never stop eating. I'm not ready to die. I can't live either. Food has taken over my life. I also know only I can fill the void. When I find a way, it will have to come from me and no one else. I must find away to process the anger, stress, and self hatred. It's a wound that needs to be packed, encouraging it to heal from the inside out. It will leave scars, but it can be accomplished with the right guidance.

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10:07 pm - WARNING: Content not suitable feint of heart (or easily bored)
Due to an outstanding lack of resources within my grasp both financially and expert wise, I'm endeavoring to apply some self healing. In theory, if I finally purge the daemons of my past and present, maybe I will have a future.

I intend to do this by writing quite frankly about the twisted thought processes that slither through my brain, distorting my perspective into a small myopic view of the world. Although I make these missives public, I promise to protect the innocent and guilty alike. I choose the written or typed word, because my ability to understand and interpret vocal communication dwindles daily. I guess that is a very good place to start.

Everyday my hearing slips away leaving me less in touch with world around me. Light conversation in even a sparsely crowded room is difficult for me to follow. The phone is my adversary, squealing and screeching without making voices clearer. My family's voices are easy to hear, but hard to understand. The littlest's is particularly difficult because of the loud piercing quality. It gouges at my ears leaving me meager clues as to the message it carries. the aids focus in on the darnedest things; road noise, air conditioning, and the endless droning of the fan for the television.

Without my borrowed hearing aids all is a ringing silence. It's like standing in the middle of a field in the country on a summer night with thousands of insects buzzing, chirping, and swarming around me. Sleep is a challenge.

I cannot listen with out hearing. I feel isolated by misunderstandings of context and half heard truths. I've read that Hellen Keller said that deafness was in her opinion the most devastating of sensory deprivation. I dread not being able to hear the voices of my family and friends. I ache to think that one day the ringing chords of the world's music will be only a memory and a touch. Is it better to have had it, only to lose it or to never know the lack there of?

The feeling of isolation is devastating.

current mood: frustrated

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Friday, August 6th, 2010
3:10 pm - Taking Pleasure in the Little Things
I took Libby back to OSU Speech & Hearing this morning for a last ditch effort at getting her Streamer working with her Epoqs. They were able to reinitialize them through the computer and the Streamer is working perfectly now! I cried tears of joy after she exclaimed in the car "Mommy I never knew 'Why can't I Have You' had violins in it!" Yes I know it's synthesized, but oh how wonderful that she can finally hear music like it was meant to be!

I'm giving her my Chocolate to use as an MP3 player until we can get her different Bluetooth alternative.

current mood: grateful

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Thursday, August 5th, 2010
5:09 pm - Second Guessing Myself
So I wrote a nice little missive to the Friday night gaming group coming clean on not having been happy for a while now. I honestly cited being bored with 4.0, wanting a more involving story that I could actually be a part of, and not being thrilled with all hack n' slash all the time. I also tried to explain that I can't separate out four people talking at once. It can get really chaotic when they go off on a tangent and hearing aids make stuff louder not clearer. I said I would love to do card, or board or video games with them at other times. That was a couple days ago. Nobody has replied.

I guess I shouldn't read anything into it, but I feel hurt and frustrated. It's like when on their Internet radio show they talked about one of my acquaintance known to them in a different capacity through another social group. They went on about how fat, gross, and smelly she is. I couldn't believe we were talking about the same person and told them so, but she has a rather unique name. I felt so very bad for her, and I couldn't help but wonder if they felt the same about me.

I guess I should just let it go. It's very frustrating that the DM has these wonderful ideas, and because of the possibility of the cry of favoritism being raised, I'm only ever a bit player. What really pisses me off is the people he spends so much time and energy on to get involved couldn't care less.

In the mean time, I feel more cut off and isolated than ever.

current mood: disappointed

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010
11:34 am - Everything Burns
Anger is the ravening beast that has eaten my inner being laying waste to my very essence. Rage. Rage has consumed me. It keeps me prisoner. I am the victim, trapped by circumstances I can not control.

I walk the world burdened as much with hopelessness and despair as I do this crippling fire. It has turned my very core molten. It radiates from my soul now lashing out from my very pores; consuming laughter, love, satisfaction, and peace. Sometimes it feels as if it will finish me in a flash of dark fire until I am nothing but ash in a shell.

I have sought release for years, and still cannot escape it. Perhaps the rage will relent with the death of it's maker, but I fear not. I fear that death will bring no solace, that I will be left with anger and hatred as my legacy. I am my father's daughter.

current mood: enraged

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Friday, October 9th, 2009
1:38 am
The Biggest Loser Wii seems a bit oxymoronic...

Ironic Isn't It?

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Thursday, October 8th, 2009
6:53 pm


Developing a sustainable plan

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6:50 pm


Thanks but No Thanks

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6:47 pm


Taking my first steps

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6:45 pm


Keeping to the Path

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