Ldysabella (ldysabella) wrote,

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WARNING: Content not suitable feint of heart (or easily bored)

Due to an outstanding lack of resources within my grasp both financially and expert wise, I'm endeavoring to apply some self healing. In theory, if I finally purge the daemons of my past and present, maybe I will have a future.

I intend to do this by writing quite frankly about the twisted thought processes that slither through my brain, distorting my perspective into a small myopic view of the world. Although I make these missives public, I promise to protect the innocent and guilty alike. I choose the written or typed word, because my ability to understand and interpret vocal communication dwindles daily. I guess that is a very good place to start.

Everyday my hearing slips away leaving me less in touch with world around me. Light conversation in even a sparsely crowded room is difficult for me to follow. The phone is my adversary, squealing and screeching without making voices clearer. My family's voices are easy to hear, but hard to understand. The littlest's is particularly difficult because of the loud piercing quality. It gouges at my ears leaving me meager clues as to the message it carries. the aids focus in on the darnedest things; road noise, air conditioning, and the endless droning of the fan for the television.

Without my borrowed hearing aids all is a ringing silence. It's like standing in the middle of a field in the country on a summer night with thousands of insects buzzing, chirping, and swarming around me. Sleep is a challenge.

I cannot listen with out hearing. I feel isolated by misunderstandings of context and half heard truths. I've read that Hellen Keller said that deafness was in her opinion the most devastating of sensory deprivation. I dread not being able to hear the voices of my family and friends. I ache to think that one day the ringing chords of the world's music will be only a memory and a touch. Is it better to have had it, only to lose it or to never know the lack there of?

The feeling of isolation is devastating.
Tags: deafness, despair, hearing aids, hearing loss, self help
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