Ldysabella (ldysabella) wrote,

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I only come here to vent...

Our oldest daughter has once again decided that we are unfair and abusive and has walked out the door. She's already called Grandma who called me back to tell me that she's heading to church and will not be picking Tori up. It of course all started with me being furious that someone ate half the ingredients I was relying on having for dinner and Shawn and I being angry that the chores were once again not complete. Her need to be the center of attention under every circumstance drove her to escalate everything into a huge blow up. So now she's left the house and is out walking around in temperatures slightly above freezing.

In a way I'm actually relieved. Her cycle of destructive behavior reset in May when she was hospitalized for her last blow up. It usually takes 3-6 months before she works herself back up into another explosion so she was actually due. I can stop waiting for it now.

I love my daughter, but her constant drama and sheer stupidity is draining. She turns 18 next month, but doesn't graduate until spring. She already has her tattoo parlor and piercings picked out and is looking forward to smoking all the cigarettes and pot she can get away with without us punishing her for it. She's planning to move in with her boyfriend who is currently living in our basement instead of his truck. Until she is 18 and out from under our roof, it's our job to protect her from herself.

We've tried so hard to do the right thing, no matter how inconvenient, costly, or painful and we get bit in the ass for it every time. She needs to stay here and in school long enough to graduate. I wish she would just leave as soon as she is of age. My counselor says I shouldn't feel guilty for just wanting it to be over with; for wishing she would just keep walking. I try to tell myself it doesn't make me a rotten person and a terrible mother to feel these things. Deep down I don't believe it.

This is life with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. She's a text book, high functioning case. Between her and my father, I've lived most of my life at the mercy of this disorder. I struggle to stay sane, to not succumb to the depression and anxiety that comes from living day in and day out with people who hurt the ones they love. I'm only human. I can only be pushed so far before I break. Unconditional love between a parent and a child isn't something I can give to either of them. Trust has been violated too many times. The only thing I can believe in is that they will hurt me if I show any weakness at all. They were born vipers, it's in their nature.

She just texted to assure me she's OK and has made it down the road safely. My mind automatically, helpfully reminds me it's because she can't risk not being the center of attention. Maybe she wonders whether she's pushed us too far this time. Maybe she has
Tags: borderline personality disorder, bpd
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