Ldysabella (ldysabella) wrote,

  • Mood:


I'm up and awake. DD3 was in first thing to ask what is for breakfast, as if food isn't my first coherent after the I free myself from the night's dreaming. My body isn't far behind demanding it's share. I hope I can appease it and the kids without going overboard. I want cereal to be enough. I can't get in too much trouble with cereals. I tend to actually be content with the bottom of the bowl.

I spend so much of my day thinking about food. I fret about the stores of groceries going through our inventory mentally. I know I need to bake bread, snacks, and yogurt; but dread it all the same. If I don't make it I can't eat it. I haven't journaled my food yet. Journaling is a fantastic diet tool that just drives me insane. I already think of food as often as a teenage boy thinks of sex. Obsessing over every last bite, spending hours a day looking up the right foods, and meticulously recording the proper amounts does not exactly help.

The body wants what it wants and I am powerless to stop it. Long after that 20 minutes in which you should feel satiety has past it still hungers. Sometimes I seems to have no control over it at all. I am powerless to stop eating. Much to my secret shame I'm compelled to eat often. When anger, stress, loneliness, and shame threaten to consume me food/bingeing is soothing, numbing... anesthetizing.

I guess I'm not prone to purging because I'm so empty inside. My mistake. The extra weight and inability to resist bingeing leaves me feeling utterly worthless and defeated. A failure. Some say purging becomes the channel for anger. Perhaps this is what I'm missing? I know why I'm angry I know what seeds have born this terrible fruit inside my soul, but that is another entry. I'm off to start on my pot of coffee and finish my fanfic to get my mind off that blasted four letter word F**d.
Tags: anger, bingeing, body image, control, dieting, food, journaling, purging, tracking
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